Reviewing BuyTheField

I am on my way to a BuyTheField sabbath. I am re-reading many of the words that the Lord and I have interacted about over the last 6 years. I am drawn to these particular words for this week as we walk through the Passion week of Jesus and are one day away from Maundy Thursday.

Me and Judas

(originally written January 31, 2018)

I don't have a picture today because there isn't a picture to capture these words. My heart is sober as I write. I am asking God to help me to be present with Him in these words.

Many times there is great comfort in blending in to a crowd. I don't want to be singled out. There seems to be a fine balance inside of me to want just enough attention to stroke my prideful self and just enough blending in to remain anonymous from the spotlight and too much examination.

But the road to the cross seems to be more and more lonely and less of a communal activity. The road to the cross for Jesus gets harder and harder. Not easier. It just doesn't. And as things continue on for each of us in our life living, things seem to narrow more and more to us and Jesus. Our communal living is beautiful and important, but our relationship with Jesus (or lack thereof) is with Jesus.

I think about what it was like to be one of Jesus' disciples. It's really staggering to really stop and think about what they encountered because of being connected with Jesus during His life. I can imagine them shaking their heads at times and just wondering if this is really all real and shaking their heads again and wondering how they got on the inside with Jesus. The adrenaline surge of watching Jesus heal, feed, free, teach and cast out. The awe of watching Jesus heal, feed, free, teach and cast out. The humbling of watching Jesus heal, feed, free, teach and cast out. You're one of 12 experiencing the communal adventure of the humbling awe and adrenaline of being Jesus' friend.

Bible book of John, chapter 13, verses 18 to 30. And then in the disciple group, that balance of being "in" and being "known" starts to narrow. "I am not referring to all of you", Jesus says. "What does He mean He's not referring to all of us?", they begin to wonder. "I am telling you now before it happens...", He continues. "What is He going to tell us before it happens?"

Hanging on His words.

"One of you is going to betray Me."

Silence.

One...

of you...

is going to...

betray...

Me.

The disciples stare at each other. And stare. And keep staring.

One of us? So sad. Shock. Disappointment. Disbelief. Bewilderment. And then the words that everyone (but one?) has been screaming inside but not yet dare say out loud. "Who is it?" Said reluctantly? Said angrily? Said bitterly sad? Said nervously?

"It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish." Narrower. This is really happening. We're about to find out. I'm about to find out. So He dips the piece of bread.......and He gave it to......

.....me.

And Judas.

And you.

Judas is Jesus' betrayer.

I am Jesus' betrayer.

You are Jesus' betrayer.

We disciples and sinners betrayed Jesus.

And here is one of the crazy love moments from these events that actually is really hard to believe and accept. JESUS INVESTS HIS LIFE IN HIS BETRAYER. He has been investing in the life of Judas for this whole time and in to the current moment of intimate accountability with a piece of bread near Judas' mouth. He has been investing in my life for this whole time in the swirling of sin and sacred living with His blood covering my entire life. Gracious, bitter truth to face. Glorious, blasting truth to embrace. Jesus loves His betrayer. His betrayers.

I've betrayed you Jesus. Thank you for going from here to the cross to die covered in the sin of my betrayal. Our betrayal.

And somehow you help me to receive the life and forgiveness that comes from it. Somewhere, somehow there is a cosmic Christ shift from ......

Me and Judas

to....

me and You.

There's more.