Ongoing Ache.

(During the night, I was aware that I needed these words again. And again. And again. I miss my friend Larry. Origianally posted in October of 2019.)

A new day comes. There is extravagant beauty. I took this picture one morning while Lea and I rode what is called "The Brow" on the top of Signal Mountain. The beauty is stirring. To take in even a fraction of the depth of the beauty that is all around us is such a good gift. And there is still an ongoing ache. Sharing the beauty of this bike ride while drinking in the beauty of my wife on that particular morning. So rich. And still an ongoing ache. Engaging in soul nourishing conversation with a dear friend. So rich. And still an ongoing ache. Lingering over God's word on a cool autumn morning. So rich. And still an ongoing ache. Keep writing scenarios. All so very rich. Still an ongoing ache.

The word ache is not overused. When you hear it you're aware that you don't hear it a lot. For some reason I can remember my mom or dad helping me understand the idea of ache. When I was a young boy and I was physically growing, I would tell them that "there was pain on the inside of my bones". They told me they were growing pains. It's not an injury. It doesn't really hurt. You can't really point to where the pain is on a spot on your leg or chest. It hurt "inside". It ached. That's a pretty accurate description of what I'm thinking about today. Aching.

Not many talk about it. Maybe because we don't want to. Maybe because we don't really know what it is. Maybe because we don't really have words to describe what that "ache" is even though we sense it's real. That "pain on the inside" is perhaps unnoticed or avoided because it's really more than I really want to dig into. I'd rather stay on the surface with the weather, the Vols, schedule and predictable pleasures. Yep. I get all that. I can be king on any of those things. But I keep writing here in the close of these words each week that there's more. And for me, I'm aware that part of "the more" is the ongoing ache.

A person whom has labored into putting the ongoing ache into words is one of my mentors, Larry. As an older man, Larry Crabb is laboring to offer a real time view of the beauty and battle of his heart as he ages and longs for Christ. I have deep appreciation for how he is pushing further in to offer me and others some fleshed out vocabulary to something that for me can be elusive from words. The ongoing ache. Lea and I listened to him share about the ache last night in a series of questions and answers. I knew I wanted to transcribe and quote him here today. These are his words not mine and I pass them to you for whatever the Spirit's work might be in you this day. I do believe that this is part of our bond in Christ. And it is there on purpose.

Larry said....

"The smaller story of dealing with people’s struggles as, for example Freud suggests, at best relieves neurotic symptoms and restores people to their normal misery. That is life in the smaller story. It can’t get any more than that. In the larger story of God, He promises a whole lot more than just living in misery in the middle of a smaller story that is unsatisfying with an ache that you can’t fully numb. Christianity moves people through misery. It doesn’t eliminate the ache, but it moves people through the misery, through the ache of an unrelieved thirst in my soul, an unquenched thirst, toward the guaranteed hope of lasting satisfaction forever. If you have that hope then you can be sustained living in a world where your longings are not fully quenched. You’re going to get tastes, you’re going to get sustained tastes of what God provides if you’re aware of your deepest thirst and that’s what lifts you into your larger story. Embrace your thirst for God. I still struggle, but joining the larger story where I can know the Father’s love for me is something that is deeply attractive, not because it eliminates the ache, but it sustains me through the ache until the day comes when everything goes the way my soul longs for it to go. In the middle of struggle, in the middle of failure, in the middle of badly making mistakes and aching terribly, I can be sustained when my thirst for God is real, knowing the day of satisfaction is going to come."

"The deeper the battle, the more we learn to depend on the Holy Spirit. The deeper the battle, the more we realize that what we really long for is the thirst to know God more in the middle of the battle. It’s the battle that increases our dependance, increases our hope, deepens our thirst. And in the absence of a battle we become rather content. I believe that the battle continues into the older years, it certainly has in mine. At this stage of my journey with Christ, it really is true that the flesh seems as strong if not stronger than ever and the battle in certain respects seems clearer than ever. And I’m also discerning more victories in the battle. I’m discerning that somewhere deep inside of me there is a deeper dependence on God. The reason that I believe that this is true of not just my story but of every Christian’s story is what I hear in John’s first epistle where he is now an old man, maybe even older than I am. He said if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. That tells me that the battle is between the holy impulse that is within me because of the new heart that I have and the sinful urges that are within me which John tells me are still forces within me that I still yield to. So if an old man who knows the Lord is inspired by the Spirit to write that, then it seems clear to me that we’re in for a battle until the day we go home. Keep in mind, the deeper the battle the deeper the dependance and the deeper the opportunity we have to delight the Father. Is that really our interest? No, the answer is that sometimes we have no interest in that at all and therefore we don’t want a deeper battle going on. We want to get it resolved. There are a whole lot of sermons and a whole lot of books that supposedly help us to resolve the battle so that we don’t ache anymore so that everything is going really, really well in my soul and in my life. And that is simply a lie."

"I think the distinguishing mark between tasting the reality of God in a way that sustains us through the ache is that the taste is going to deepen our desire to love well. If we’re satisfying a shallow thirst through whatever means we might have, whether it’s eating a good meal, whether it’s making a lot of money, whether it’s being good to a lot of people in a kind sort of way...whatever it might be. Look deep in your soul and you won’t desire a willingness to love another at any sacrifice to yourself because you’re satisfying your shallow thirsts in having this life go better. But if you’re coming in touch with your deepest thirst and God is giving you a taste that is meaningfully speaking to your deeper thirst, then the result is going to be that you’re more willing to pay whatever price is required to stay faithful to the Lord and please Him by loving others at any cost to yourself. Those are the major distinguishing marks between shallow thirsts satisfied and deeper thirsts touched by the reality of heaven."

"I’m aware everyday of my shallow thirsts, but they are indeed shallow in comparison with my thirst to advance the purpose of God in my becoming a more godly man. The more I become aware of all these shallow thirsts that I really do have and embrace them, I have to go back to what C.S. Lewis said and add a thought to it. There is a difference between first thing thirsts and second thing thirsts. If I am only aware of second thing thirsts, I’ve got to realize that those second thing thirsts just don’t touch a part of my soul. My shallow thirst is not going to lead me to a deeper thirst. When I become self aware that those second thing thirsts don’t touch the ache in my soul, that will drive me to a deeper thirst to have the ache eliminated, though not til heaven. My deeper thirst will be for some sense of sustaining purpose and joy in the middle of the ongoing ache."

"As we share our stories with one another, I become aware that my smaller story is not going the way that I want it to go and I’m going to discover an ache that only the larger story can touch... in a deep way until heaven touches it fully."

Thank you good friend for these words. I am pondering them.

Ongoing Ache.

There's more.