Trickle Down.

A lot is piling up together.

Droplets of mucus.

Arrogance.

Lots of deaths.

Ventilators.

Children at home.

No graduation.

Drive through test sites.

Businesses crashing.

Nursing home quarantine.

Entire nation lockdowns.

Country posturing.

Lots more deaths.

Worldwide uncertainty.

Unstable financial markets.

Myriad of speculation.

And it keeps trickling down.

Lea and I used to watch the news almost nightly in the early days of our marriage. We haven't done that for years and years for various reasons. We have re-engaged that in the last 10 days. Many of the above list of things that are piling up together are pretty much the topics of the 30 minutes of news recap from the day. In fact, this has pretty much been the similar flow for the news for the last several weeks now. They are telling us about the same things each day.

And these same things keep trickling down in our hearts to other piles of stuff for each of our unique hearts. There isn't a news broadcast talking about these things.

Gratitude for my spouse.

Awareness that my marriage sucks.

Concern for my granddaughter.

Gratitude for relationship with my children.

Awareness that relationship with my children sucks.

Relationship with my child is strained.

Awareness that relationship with my children doesn't really exist.

I don't really want to be with these people for so long.

Meaty, intimate times of communion with God in a desperate time.

Angry at God for interrupting my daily life with this damn, irritating sickness.

Will I get to be in the delivery room when my wife gives birth to our baby?

What will it be like in the hospital when the delivery takes place?

When will my family get to meet their new son, daughter, grandchild, niece, nephew?

I sense God meeting me as some daily comforts are stripped away.

It's the next day and I still feel the same way about my spouse and children, Covid or no Covid.

I miss my granddaughter.

A lot of hurt has piled up.

How will I be if this is still the same way on Easter Sunday?

I already didn't have "enough" retirement savings.

My mortgage or rent payment.

Why are my parents like this with each other?

Screw Trump.

Pray for Trump.

How long before my dad gets 19 from all the patients he's being exposed to?

I want to bust out of my routines of relating with my spouse and children, but I don't know how.

I am aware of soul hunger.

I'm anxious.

My senior year ending this way.

I'm realizing that I really do long for Jesus.

My freshman year ending this way.

I notice all these comfort crutches that I lean on to prop my life up.

I'm so fake.

I'm so alive.

And it keeps trickling down in our hearts.

And this trickling can be tricky. What do I do with it? The heart grids vary. Jesus seems close. Jesus seems distant. In relationship with Jesus. Not in relationship with Jesus. Give a rip. Don't give a rip. The heart grids vary.

And Jesus is forming.

Forming in close.

Forming in distant.

Forming in relationship with Him.

Forming not in relationship with Him.

Forming in giving a rip.

Forming in not giving a rip.

It's not up to me. If I have to carry the heart grids of 7.7 billion people, I am dead. My one single heart grid is confusing enough in its complexity. And He's not flustered. Somehow, He's not. That's good news. That's my trickle down news broadcast today. He's not flustered with me in the complexity of my heart.

So this is what I'm noticing in my trickle down. I'm grieving some things with Jesus. I'm grateful for some things with Jesus.

And I'm waiting for forming. And I can't make it happen.

There's more.