Inside Look.

Facing our own hearts is really hard. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done. There are plenty of things to stay busy with that can keep me from paying attention to my own soul. Many of those things are good and wholesome. They can still keep me from facing my own heart. Living life on a sin affected planet has really affected me. I have sinned and I have been sinned against. And it affects me. I don’t want to admit being weak, but I’m weak. I don’t want to admit being needy, but I’m needy. My life has had hard things in it. Sadness in relationships. Disappointment in myself for sinful choices that I have willingly made along the way to trust idols more than Jesus. And when you begin to slow long enough to face your true heart, your true self, many times it seems as though it would be easier to run than to face all this pain and disappointment. I’ve disappointed people that I love and have lived with. Feeling the absence of an earthly parent speaking into your life along the way. Sinning against your spouse. Regret over feeling like you missed times to teach or love your children well. Things left undone. I’ve disappointed myself. In most if not all of those family/friend relationships, facing the sad reality of not loving well, living selfishly or vacantly or not offering my true self at times is hard.Facing these things is really heavy. It’s troubling.And then there is disappointment from God. In staring at the heap of all of this, we mostly secretly entertain the thought that God must be disappointed in me. Really disappointed in me. Of course I don’t ever want to slow enough to ponder this. It’s a tragic thought. It breaks our heart to think that God is disappointed with me.

Jesus looked at Peter and told him that he would deny him three times before the rooster crowed. Peter disagreed with a rousing response of going to prison or all the way to death on behalf of his friend Jesus. He would, but not before Jesus' words came true.

Peter did deny Jesus three times and then heard the rooster crow. And in the bible book of Luke, chapter 22 it speaks these intimately heavy words that "the Lord turned and looked right at Peter."

Right. At. Peter.

And here's what tears my heart up. Peter didn't have a chance to talk to Jesus about what happened. He didn't have a chance to make it right. The living moves right from Peter denying Jesus into Jesus being mocked and beaten.

"But Jesus....I........."

No. No conversation to explain. No wrapping up the explanations of denial.

Peter is left with .....

Space to grieve.

Oh, so hard. "I just want to talk to you Jesus."

But that's not the only thing in this space. We don't read this in this story, but Peter was graciously left with remembering all the truth that he had learned in life with Jesus. He can trust that the things that Jesus taught him by living His life with Peter is how he will face his own heart in his own moment of betrayal.

This is hard. But a gift. Space to grieve and space to remember the truth of being intertwined with Jesus.

Taking an inside look at our hearts is so hard. I leave you with this prayer for courage to take an inside look. Maybe you can relate.

“Jesus. I am needy for You.

Life is a joyful and difficult experience. It is so rich and so challenging.

Being in relationship with You has been both the most amazing thing I have ever known and the hardest thing that I have ever known. Thank you for your kindness to me to offer me forgiveness. You have given me a new start and a new heart and a new identity and a new power to live out of. It’s incredible really. There’s nothing else like being in relationship with You. You have wooed me with your abundant love. It’s so stirring.

And….it’s really hard. You tell me in your word that what is happening to me is that I’m dying. Not my physical death, but a death of the flesh and power of me that gives way to the spirit and the power of you. I want it and I don’t want it all at once. This dying to myself is killing me. Taking an inside look with you is really scary. My heart is unlike any technology, food, pleasure or innovation. It is beyond compare in it’s creativity and conflict, it’s cynicism and it’s confession. My heart is the wellspring of life. It is beautiful and deadly all at once. And so taking an honest look at myself at times is beautiful. And other times it’s deadly. The co- mingling of beauty and sin is really hard to face. I wish that hearts and sin weren’t so hard, but they are. I will not take an inside look to realistically assess my inner life on my own. Only you can really help me do that. Only you would ever lead me to do that. Not me on my own. And so I ask that you would grant me courage to take an inside look. And upon looking with you that I wouldn’t run in shame, that I would go deep with you there on the hallowed ground of a needy heart and that I would offer myself to you the way you’ve shown that you offer yourself to me......

Don’t run. Go deep. Offer myself.

This is all so humbling. Help me Jesus. Help me. Help me to take an inside look. As we look together, you’re not surprised. You’re present. You’re with me. That’s what I need as I consider my ways.

Thank you. Thank you sweet Jesus for your intimate friendship. I need you so much. I love you."

Peter, you and me.

There's more.